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THE BURGLAR & THE GIRL 

(MATTHEW BOULTON) 

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BETWEEN THE SOUP 
AND THE SAVOURY 

By 

GERTRUDE JENNINGS. 



Originally produced at the Playhouse, London, under 
tne management of Mr, Cyril Maude and the direction of 
the Author, on October 19, 1910. 

The Cook (Maria) • Miss Margaret Murray. 

Th» Pablourmaid (Ada) • Miss Maude Buchanan, 
The Kitohenmaid (Emily) • Miss Ethel Ross. 

Scene. — The Kitchen. 

Time. — Evening, during the serving of dinner. 



One Act, 
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in represen- 
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THE BURGLAR AND 
THE GIRL 



A PLAYLET 



B-. 



MATTHEW BOULTON 



Copyright, 1913, by Samuel French, Limited 



New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

Publisher 

28-30 WEST 38TH STREET 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD 

26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 



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©CI.D 33169 



THE BURGLAR AND THE GIRL 

First produced at the Pavilion Theatre, Wey- 
mouth, February 24, 1913. 

The Burglar . . Mr. George Marriott, Jimr. 

The Girl . . Miss Ruth Dockrav. 



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The Fee for each and every performance of this 
play by Amateurs is fifteen shillings, payable in 
advance to : — 

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26, Southampton Street, 

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or their authorized agents, who will issue a written 
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THE BURGLAR AND THE GIRL 

Scene. — The drawing-room of a country house. 

Time. — Two a.m. 

Period. — The Present. 

A well- furnished room. Fireplace r. French window 
set at an angle r.u.e. opening on to a terrace and 
balcony. Large opening l.u.e. leading to other 
parts of the house, covered by heavy plush curtains. 
Couch R. and easy chairs near fireside. Table of 
bric-a-brac at back, r. of French window. A glass- 
fronted cabinet at back L.c. containing one or two 
china ornaments and with a bowl or other ornament 
on lop. Chairs either side. Table l. Sideboard l. 
set obliquely. Electric light switch at side of curtains 
l.u.e. , controlling chandelier or bunch lights as may 
be arranged. Bell-rope next to it. 

(No music for rise of curtain. A church clock is 
heard chiming the " quarters," and on the sound of the 
last " quarter " the curtain rises on an empty stage, 
which is in darkness except for the bright moonlight 
which shines through the French window R. The 
balcony outside is clearly seen. The sound of the 
quarters dies away and then the clock strikes " two. 
The head of a man appears above the balcony. He 
raises himself, climbs over and approaches the win- 
dow. He carries a dark lantern and the usual 
burglar's outfit. He examines the window, then 
forces catch and enters quickly and stealthily.) 
i 



8 THE BURGLAR. AND THE GIRL. 

Burglar. That opened easy. Must a' forgot to 
fasten it. 

(Flashes lantern round room. Goes to curtains l.u.e. 
which are drawn close, opens them and flashes light 
beyond them.) 

All's quiet ! (Goes to French window and care- 
fully draws curtains across it.) I felt a bit nervous 
crossin' the lawn — too much beastly moonshine for 
my fancy. (Opens bag.) Nar thin, where's this 'ere 
cab'net as me little donah told me abart ? (FlasJies 
lantern until it rests on Cabinet at back l.) Ah ! 'ere 
we are — an' a very nice little cab'net too. (Goes 
to cabinet and feels it.) Now, this is the sort o' thing 
I like. One o' them pie-crust bits o' furniture — 
made ter be broken. This won't give me no trouble 
— no trouble whatso-heffer ! (Comes down.) Blime ! 
I've got a thirst on me — wonder if there's any gargle 
abart ? (Flashes lantern, walking round.) Strike 
me up a gum tree ! That's wot I calls mean — not a 
drop — not even a h'acid drop. Never mind — shan't 
leave me card an' shan't call 'ere anymore. Thank 
'eaven I 'as a bit o' pride left. (Takes tools from 
bag.) Now then, Mr. Cab'net, you'll pardon me, but 
in the words o' Billy Waggleshaft — "I mus' be crool 
to be kind." (Commences to prize open the doors of 
the cabinet.) - Oh, this is h'easy. I'll 'ave it open in 
'arf a jiffy — in 'arf a jiffy. (Opens cabinet.) Beauti- 
ful ! Now for a little conjurin' experiment. 

(Puts hand in cabinet and is about to lift up vase, 
when suddenly the lights are switched full on 
and a young girl of 17 or 18 years of age, appears 
through curtains l., levelling a little silver-plated 
revolver at the Burglar.) 

Note. — Girl's hair should be loose, or in two p 
and she is in evening or partv dress. The impression 
conveyed should be that site ~was about to retire zvhen 
disturbed by the noise. 



THE BURGLAR AND THE GlRL. 9 

Girl. Hands up ! 

Burglar. Copped, by jingo ! (Puts hands up.) 

Girl (calmly). Yes, as you so expressively re- 
marked you are certainly " copped." The next 
thing to do is to have you " coppered." 

Burglar (laughs uneasily). Yer don't mean it ? 
— you won't give me up. I didn't mean no 'arm, 
and I ain't took nothin' — straight I 'aven't. (Drops 
arms, pleading.) 

Girl. Keep your hands above your head and 
make less noise. Got any firearms on you ? 

Burglar. No, miss, nothin'. 

Girl. Come over here. I like to be sure. 

(Burglar goes over and she feels all his pockets, still 
holding him up with revolver.) 

All right. Two steps to the right. Now you can 
put your hands down. 

Burglar (amazed). Crikey! You're a cool 'un, 
you are. There ain't no flies on you, miss. 

Girl. Don't speak so loud. I don't want the 
rest of the family disturbed. 

Burglar. 'Ave they all gone to bed. 

Girl. All but myself. 

Burglar. I wish you didn't keep such late hours. 

Girl. I don't as a rule. But, you see, I've been 
to a party and hadn't been in long when you called. 
So as the others are all asleep I thought I'd better 
come down and entertain you. Wasn't that nice of 
me ? 

Burglar. Oh yes, very kind of yer. I mus' say I 
couldn't a' wished for a warmer reception. 

Girl. So nice of you to say so. 

Burglar (impatient). Oh, enough of this. What's 
yer next move, that's wot I want to know ? 

Girl. Well, I'm not quite sure. 

Burglar. I s'pose you're one o' the daughters ? 

Girl. How clever of you to guess that ? 

Burglar. Why ? 



10 THE BURGLAR AND THE GIRL. 

Girl. Well, I might have been one of the sons, 
mightn't I ? Yes, I'm the baby ! 

Burglar. I don't like babies with firearms. I 
wish you'd put it down, miss. 

Girl. I daresay you do, but I'm not quite so 
green as I look. And, as- 1 said before, I don't want 
to wake the others. 

Burglar (reflecting) . Yer know, I thought all of yer' 
'ad gone away. I 'eard so. 

Girl. I'm afraid your informant made a slight 
mistake, my man. We don't go away till to-morrow. 

Burglar. Strike me ! the cook sed- (Stops 

himself.) 

Girl. Oh, so you got your information from the 
cook, did you ? Looks as if she'd roasted you, 
dosn't it ? 

Burglar (suspicious). Yer don't mean ter say 
as she told ver. 

Girl (smiting). Well, she dropped a little hint. 

Burglar. Wot ! Dropped a 'int as I was a-goin' 
ter break in 'ere ? 

Girl. Yes. 

Burglar (savagely). I'll wring 'er bloomin' neck 
when I see 'er again. 

Girl (looks shocked). I'm afraid you're not a nice 
burglar. Still you won't have much chance of 
carrying out your threat yet awhile. The police will 
see to that. 

Burglar (startled). The police ! 

Girl (calmly). I telephoned to the station before 
I entered this room. 

Burglar (angry). You she — cat — I'll 

Girl (levelling revolver). Keep your distance — or 
I'll shoot. I'm no bread and butter miss, you know. 
I 'm not afraid of you or any man . I mean what I say. 

Burglar (retreating). All right, miss, put it down 
— I'll keep quiet. 

Girl. Sit over there on the couch, then. I want a 
little serious talk with you. 



THE BURGLAR AND THE GIRL. ]] 

Burglar (grimly). Goin' to keep me amused till 
the cops come, eh ? I'm sure it's real kind of yer. 

Girl. Don't mention it. 

Burglar. But I 'as a most important appoint- 
ment — so if yer'll h'excuse me (Makes as if to 

Girl (sharply). Sit down. X"ve warned you twice. 
If you try that again you'll be dead before you've time 
to be sorry. 

Burglar. All right — I wasn't goin' really. (Shak- 
ing heed, mournfully.) Ah, you've got a 'ard 'eart, 
miss. I wouldn't a' believed a lovely young gel like 
you could be so stoney- 'carted. 

Girl (more kindly and very seriously). And I 
wouldn't have believed that a tine well-set-up man 
like yourself could stoop to be a burglar — a low, com- 
mon thief 

Burglar. Don't, miss, don't. I can't stand any 
one talkin' to me like that. I'm not used to it. 
An' it acts on my blinkers jes like onions — makes 'em 
water. (Mops eyes with dirty handkerchief.) 

Girl. Let me look at you. 

(He lifts his head.) 

You have an honest face. 

Burglar (disgusted). Oh 'ave I ? Well, you're 
the only one as thinks so. My people always thought 
I was cut out for a first-class criminal. 

Girl (puzzled). A first-class criminal ? 

Burglar (with pride). Yus ! One who goes in 
for nothin' but the big jobs. Works 'em scientifically. 
Take this 'ere job for instance — a tidy 'and and I'd a 
pulled it off if it 'adn't been for you. An' I've been 
work in' on it for live or six weeks. 

Girl. Have you really. You must have a lot of 
patience. 

Burglar (amused). Patience ?— Why, bless yer 
'eart, I've more patience than a cat waitin' fer a toy 



12 THE BURGLAR AND THE GIRL. 

dicky-bird to 'op off a Christmas-tree. Yer see, 
fust and all I read as 'ovv yer mother 'ad some valu- 
able jools in one o' them sassiety journals. 

Girl. Oh, so you do read the papers ? 

Burglar. Oh, yes, I alius reads the 'igh-class 
weeklies — them as is printed on coloured paper. 
Well, as soon as I sees this little parry-graft — I ses to 
meself, " Bob," I ses, " them jools is your's." O' 
course, that was only figger'tively speakin' I knew 
there was a lot o' graft ito be done afore I could 
handle 'em. But I meant to 'ave 'em by 'ook or by 
crook. 

Girl. And you decided on the crook, I suppose ? 

Burglar. Yus — the fish was too big for an 'ook. 
But there was 'nother little fish that wasn't. 

Girl. You mean the cook ? 

Burglar. Guessed it, fust time. I laid meself 
out to 'ook the cook — 'ad to give 'er the glad h'eve 
several times afore it come off though. But I got a 
nibble at last, pulled in my line an' landed 'er — 'igh 
an' dry. But I'm afraid I'm keepin' you h'up, miss. 
(bus.) 

Girl. Not at all, I've got to wait until the police 
come. 

Burglar {insinuating). Can't trust me to wait by 
myself, I s'pose ? 

Girl. I'm afraid not. Prav go on with your 
story. I'm most interested. 

Burglar. Well, there ain't much more to tell. 
I courted 'er for all I was worth, and she fell a victim 
to me manly charms — yer needn't smile — she weren't 
the fust by no means. I coaxed 'er a bit, an' she 
told me as 'ow yer ma was a bit eccentric and alius 
kep' 'er jools in a cab'net in the drorin'-room 'stead 
of in a safe. Kidded 'erself no one 'ud think of 
lookin' for 'em there. But she reckoned without that 
lovely little bundle o' mischief, Polly Perkins. One 
moonlight night I'd 'ad a glass or two, I told 'er 'er 
lips was like peaches, an' she told me when the family 



THE BURGLAR AND THE GIRL. 13 

was goin' away. I told 'er 'er h'eyes was like stars, 
an' she dropped a 'int as to 'ow I'd find the h'early 
door. I told 'er 'er teeth was like pearls, an' she 
sed the missis's pearls was 'idden in the left 'and 
chiney vase* in the car/net in the drorin'-room. 

Girl. The left hand vase — yes, and the 
diamonds 

Burglar (excited). Oh, yus, the diamonds ! 

Girl. What do you know about the diamonds ? 

Burglar. Ha ! Ha ! What don't I know ? 
The diamonds is under a little panel jest under the 
vase. Oh, I got it all pat. 

Girl. Evidently. But don't you think you're 
rather foolish to tell me all this ? 

Burglar (recklessly). Oh, I don't care — may as 
well be 'ung fer a sheep as a lamb. Besides, I've 
enjoyed our little confab, I 'ave straight. 

Girl. I'm sorry I can't say the same, I didn't 
believe there was so much downright wickedness in 
the world. I hope the judge will give you a long 
sentence, then perhaps it'll be a lesson to you and 
when you come out, you'll lead a better life. 

Burglar. If I thought you wanted me to, miss, 
I'd try— straight I would. I'd do any thin' to win a 
smile from you — bless them bonny blue eyes of 
yours. 

Girl. That's quite enough. You won't hook 
me so easily, you know. 

Burglar. 'Ook yer — me 'ook you. Why, you're 
as far above me as the stars. But I likes yer, miss — 
honest I do. I'm not throwing boquets at yer, but 
you've got real grit an' sense an' yer've done me good. 
I'll go to prison and do me time with a light 'eart, 
and when I come out, I'll chuck burglin' an' live 
honest. 

Girl. You mean that ? 

Burglar. 'Onest injun ! 

Girl. Then I'm going to give you a chance — see if 
there's any one about ? 



14 



THE BURGLAR AND THE GIRL. 



Burglar (goes to window) . Not a soul— all's quiet. 

Girl. Then go quickly before the police arrive; 

I'll explain somehow ; I'll say it was a mistake— but go 

at once. . , . , ■> 

Burglar. Yer mean it, miss, you re gom to let 

me off ? 

Girl. Yes. 

Burglar. You're a good sort, miss. I 11 never 
forget yer. Will yer— will yer shake 'ands just once 
afore I go ? It'll sort o' 'elp me to keep straight. 
Will yer" miss ? 

Girl (holds out hand, smiling). Good-bye and good 

luck! 

Burglar (taking hand). God bless yer! 1— 

(There is a quick satin?. Burglar gets revolver and 

covers the Girl who retreats to curtains l.u.e.) 
(Triumphantly.) Now then, me little beauty, I've 
got yer set ! Move yer little finger and I'll drop a bit 
o' lead into ver. Thought you'd come it over me, 
didn't ver ? Yer must 'ave thort me a soft sort of mug ! 
Now, it's my turn to be funny, ain't it ? But I ain't 
got no time to waste— I'm goin' to 'ave them jools 
and 'op it quick. 

Girl. You won't get far. 

Burglar (menacingly). What d'yer mean? 

Girl. Listen to me ; I'm not done yet. My hana 
is on the bell-rope ; one sharp pull will rouse the house ; 
my father's bedroom overlooks the lawn. He keeps a 
pistol handy— you wouldn't have much chance of 
getting away. ' He couldn't miss you on a night 
like this. 

Burglar. None of ver bluff with me. 

Girl {desperately). It isn't bluff. If you don t 
keep still, I swear I'll pull the rope. 

Burglar. If you do. I'll shoot. 

Girl. I don't care. 

Burglar. What's to prevent me shooting you 
now — juick — before you pull the rope ? 



THE BURGLAR AND THE GIRL. 15 

Girl. Nothing. But if you do the rope will be 
pulled as I fall ! Whatever you do now, you're 
bound to rouse the house. 

Burglar. 'Struth, you're a plucky gel — a damned 
plucky gel, an' I admire yer for it. But 1 mean to 
'ave them jools and I mean to get away with 'em. 
They're worth a bit o' risk, an' I'm goin' to take it. 
Nar then, let go that rope quick, or you're done for. 

Girl. I won't. 

Burglar. We'll see about that. (Creeps towards 
her levelling pistol.) Let go that rope, I tell yer — 
damn you, let it go ! 

(Gets right ub to Girl, she drops the bell-rope.) 

Burglar. Little bit o' bluff, eh ? Not quite so 
plucky, after all. Mar then, you keep quiet, me little 
spitfire, or it'll be the worse for yer. 

(Girl pulls handkerchief from bosom of her dress 

end sobs.) 

Cryin' now, are yer ? Bet you'll leave yer dad to 
tackle the next burglar that comes along — oh, stop 

yer snivellin' ! 

(Girl puts handkerchief and both, hands behind her 

She thakes out a small phial, removes cork 

and empties contents on to handkerchief, watching 

the Burglar all the. while. Drops phial. Burglar 

backs towards cabinet.) 

Now, jes you keep quiet while I gets this little job 
over, an' I reckon I'll 'ave you this side of the room. 

(Girl gasps suddenly.) 

What's the matter ? 

Girl (shrilly). Look ! — the police ! 

(Burglar turns. Quick as lightning she throws one 
arm round his neck and with the other presses her 
chloroformed handkerchief to his nostrils. He gasps 



MAY 3 1913 ^ 

16 THE BURGLAR AXD THE GIRL. 

and struggles for a moment, then falls to the floor, 
unconscious. Girl removes handkerchief, looks at 
him swiftly.) 

He's safe for half an hour at least. I'm glad I had 
that chloroform with me. 

(Goes across stage and picks up long dustcoat and 
motor bonnet which she has hidden behind the side- 
board. Puts them on hurriedly.) 

Thank goodness, that's over ! I never told so many 
lies in my life. The fool never guessed I was after 
the jewels myself. 

(Goes to the cabinet.) 
The left-hand vase ! 

(Takes pearls out, places them on lop of cabinet.) 

A little panel just under the vase ! (Takes diamonds 
out, holds pearls in other hand, smiling.) A nice little 
haul— a very nice little haul ! 

(Puts jewels in coat-pockets, switches off lights and 
goes softly to the window, turns and looks at Burglar. 

Thanks for your assistance— my first-class criminal. 

(Lets herself out of window and closes it carefully. 

Disappears along balcony. The moonlight shines in 

on the prostrate Burglar. The church clock chimes 
a quarter past two.) 

Slow Curtain. 



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VOLUME 163 
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Wounded 
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VOLUME 165 
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VOLUME 157 

2341 Men who Loved 

Mamie 

2342 Fanny and the Ser- 

vant Froblem 

2343 Come Michaelmas 

2344 Teeth of the Gift 

Horse 

2345 French as he is spoke 

2346 Meringues 

2347 Mother of Three 
2343 Ai.rairal Peters 
23491 Henrietta 

2350 Feed the Brute, 1#. 

2351 Tilda's New Hat, 1* 

2352 We Dine at Seven 
2358 Boys' Proposal 
2354 Bonnie Dundee 
.2355 Suffragette 

VOLUME 158 

2356 The Visit 

2357 A Well Matched Pali 

2358 For Lack of Evi- 

dence 

2359 Little Mrs. Cummlc 

2360 A Tight Comer 

2361 Dear Departed 

2362 Pipers Pay 

2363 Her Vote 

2364 The Electric Man 

2365 At the Golden Goose 

2366 Her Dearest Friend 

2367 Love in a Railway 

Train 

2368 Make Believe 

2369 Pick of Oakham 

2370 Highwayman 

VOLUME 169 

2371 What Would a Gen- 

tleman Do ? 
2872 An Excellent Receipt 

2373 Parents' Progress 

2374 Younger Generation, 

1«. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

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2380 Wiles of the Widow 

2381 The Mobswoman 

2382 An Imaginary Aunt 

2383 Lady Flora's Name- 

sake 

2384 What Charity Covert 

2385 Patty Packs a Ba.{ 

VOLUME 160 

2386 The Oak Settle 

2387 Scaring Off of Teddy 

Dawson 

2388 The First Locust 

2389 The Cigarette 

Maker's Romance, 
If. 

2390 Companv for George 

2391 Granny's Juliet. 

2392 Hero and Heroine. 

2393 Jack and Jill and 

a Friend. 

2394 The Touch of Truth. 

2395 My Mutual Agree- 

ment. 

2396 Dick's Sister. 

2397 A Storm in a Tea- 

Shop. 

2398 The Man in the Stalls 

2399 My Wife 

2400 A Plume of Feathers 

VOLUME 161 

2401 Stuffing 

2402 Cupid and the Styx 

2403 The Admiral Speaks 

2404 The Constant Love 

2405 The Bracelet 

2406 The Dove Uncaged 

2407 The Great Look 

2408 Calamity Jane, R.N' 

2409 In Saramede 

2410 A Dear Little Wife 

2411 Fancy Free [Butler 

2412 The Embarrassed 

2413 A Question of Divi- 

sion 

2414 The Odd Man Out 

2415 An Object Lessou 

VOLUME 162 

2416 A Sister to Assist *er 

2417 Wake-up, John Bull 

2418 The Cat and the 

Cherub 

2419 The Likes O' Me - 

2420 Sealed Silver 

2421 The Colonel and the 

Lady 

2422 A Maid of Honour 

2423 The Election Petition 

2424 A Bit O' Stuff 

2425 The Fortune Tellers 

2426 Aunt Bessie 

2427 A Little Fowl Play] 

2428 Looking for Troube 

2429 The Touch of a Chid 
2480 Playing the Game 



